Blessed is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding, for the gain from her is better than gain from silver and her profit better than gold. She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. ~ Proverbs 3:13–18
I have ADHD inattentive anxious temporal ADD. Like real ADHD diagnosed by this guy Dr. Amen 👆🏽 diagnosed in my early 30s after I’d graduated with a degree in behavioral neuropsychology from Yale, after I graduated from graduate school, then medical school. It was the nemesis of needing sleep that got me in my surgical training. You know Grey’s Anatomy? Yeah that show is loosely based the Seattle general surgery residency I trained it. My chief resident Eric, when I was a junior resident had a brother who wrote for the show, so I’m really not exaggerating here. But when I don’t sleep my brain becomes a blazing ring of fire. Sleep and surgery don’t go together. I had I known then what I know now I never would have chosen a path to prove something to someone that wasn’t for me. It took 10 years to figure out my nemesis but today I’ve named it, claimed it, and slayed it.
I am the almost trauma surgeon who just found out at 44 years old that along with being a smart, driven, intellectually curious woman with inattentive ADHD I ALSO have bipolar 1.
I got this cataclysmic revelation (aka diagnosis) exactly 26 days ago following my first ever manic psychosis, an episode that was triggered by I went 72+ hours without a wink of sleep because of trauma encoded memories causing emotional flashbacks, so instead of sleeping I started studying stuff like prime number theory and the reimann-zeta function, quantum metaphysics for fun. STEM stuff and I spent my nights avoiding the terror in the silence while cherishing the rabbit hole of scripture, and philosophy, Plato and Aristotle, and the psychology literature Maslow, Jung, and family systems and attachment theory, like Bowen reading existentialist literary etc works from Sâtre, Kierkegaard, forgot to drink water, and stopped needing to eat for a month and yet was showing up for my ADHD kids with my (at the time) very sick brain every day having panic attacks while making the fresh homemade salmon eggs Benny and gluten free chocolate protein Belgian waffles everyday after school for a healthy snack followed by 15 minutes of guided meditation on the #Calm app while my brain was dying of thirst. I went manic and ended up in the padded room. Like door locked from the inside. They gave me haloperidol and onlazepine. Antipsychotic sedatives. And I slept. For three days. I slept. I have never felt such peace. When I woke up 3 days later I felt like a new woman. Refreshed. Clear. On no meds. I left the ER padded room and went up to the inpatient psychiatric ward. But at the time I had no idea where I was going. I just knew I needed sleep and water. Now I was awake, the locked padded room was dark and triple dead bolted from the outside. I felt calm, I felt peaceful, I stood up and used the low metal toilet in the corner of the padded room, washed my hands, and I was hungry and stinky, all I wanted a Bible, my toothbrush, and a shower. I squinted my eyes stood up and walked over to the small Kevlar glass window looking out into Emergency Department the on my top of my toes surveying the T shaped hallway to the left and to the right calmly looking into the outside world for a friendly set of eyes. I didn’t know what day or time it was only that I’d slept and slept and slept until I’d had enough. It felt like I’d slept enough for every tired mother who can’t get no days off. Shout out mommies out here doing it. And for those of us doing it ALONE another mention. This $hit is HARD. Okay? Like having to be in 3 places at any one given time, kind of of hard.
And so as in Plato’s allegory of the cave, I boldly peered out into the world locked in a psych ward cell but perfectly at peace. I scanned the hallway for any familiar faces, a nurse, a health care aide, someone, anyone who could get me a shower and a pen…because the pen is mightier than the sword…
More to come. Watch this space.
-Love,
Jude (just another manic mommy)
Mama’s just tryin’, I can’t get no days off
I don’t get no days off
Truly, I’m feelin’ it, I had to say that thing twice
Tryin’ to be a good wife…
-Beyoncé Giselle Knowles Carter BIGGER, Black is King
#brainhealthawareness #stopmentalhealthstigma
Dr. Jude Ä Mason 💡🕊📖
The YÆL of Yale University
• Visionary of the #IAM #YUNITŸ patient registry & Neurodiversity in Trauma Pilot Project
• The Actualized ĀlexÄthymic •The Borderline Bipolarity• The Curse & The Cure • The Dyslexic Delivered • The Enlightened Empowered Empath. The Integrated One #Yearof44 #TheRevelationofJude @drjudeAmason
DrAnalieseMasonJude@aya.yale.edu
Semper Impavida, Pax, Ex Aequo Et Bono. Lux Et Veritas en Deus Ex Machina 💡🕊📖
l.i.v.e well. Bālãnçï ™
